Really? I mean, is there really a word that starts with X that I can even begin to use today?
X-ray? Well, maybe. I need them. But I can't write a whole post about them.
Xerox. No, wait. That's a brand name.
I have no idea what to write about today. I even went and looked up a bunch of words that started with X. I'm showing my ignorance to letter X words today. Sorry about that.
On a side note, this week, despite all that has been going on, was eventful. I did find out that my dying father is being moved to another cousins house. Now, I don't speak to anyone on that side of the family. It's not because I know now that they aren't my biological family. Our relationships were never close because I lived so far away for my whole life and we just never kept in touch. Family or not, I don't know them. So, maybe it's hard for me to call them family. At any rate, it's only a matter of time.
I don't really know how to make my peace with it. My life has been spent letting things go and just keep moving forward. My life has been spent blocking this man out of my life. It's just too painful. I've listened to some very profound words this week. I've been to my church 3 times for various events. I 've had a long discussion with a wonderful friend. I even came clean and told my mother-in-law my real reasons for not having a relationship with my father.
She told me something - I owe him nothing.
This, coming from a very devout Catholic.
She's right. He destroyed my life. Tortured me from within my entire life, even after the sexual abuse stopped. He broke up my family.
I'm seeing things in a different light. I have a little hope that things will get better.
Another friend had this to say :
What if I'm wrong? What if there is no God? What if Jesus didn't die for our sins? I had all of these doubts going through my head for years. It kept me from church, it kept me from a relationship with God, it kept me from having peace of mind. I finally got to the point where I said "Well what if I am wrong--what is the worst that could happen?" I decided that the worst that could happen is that I live a life filled with love and strength and positivity, belief in my own self-worth, knowing I am loved and given peace of mind. And once I let myself go back to church, let myself believe again, gave into my faith, God's existence is undeniable. If you have been waiting to go back because you have doubts--stop waiting. Come back now. God is waiting for you to return to Him.
And you know what? She's right. I struggle with believing. I'll be honest. It all seems a little weird to me. But, so what. I mean, what is that harm in having some hope and faith in my life right now?
X is for xylophones. Ding, ding, ding.